Things Overheard on the Bridge of the U.S.S. Zumwalt

The list for November 6, 2013
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The U.S. Navy last week launched a sleek new
high-tech stealth destroyer. The U.S.S. Zumwalt
is longer than two football fields, with a
missile range of about 63 miles with impeccable
precision — triple the distance of current
destroyers. The man chosen to command this behemoth?
None other than Captain James Kirk of Bethesda, Md.
The Top 16 Things Overheard on
the Bridge of the U.S.S. Zumwalt

  1. "Hey, sailor, wanna go where LOTS of men have gone before?"

  2. "Hailing frequencies are open, Captain." "What?!?" "Um… your mother’s on the phone, sir."

  3. "An obstruction in the drive bearings? That shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Dispatch Ensign Redshirt to clear it."

  4. "Okay, the next guy who asks about the ‘noo-klear wessels’ gets thrown overboard."

  5. "Second star to the right, and straight on until… dammit, we’ve run aground again."

  6. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And right this moment, my need to pee outweighs them all."

  7. "Mr. Spock, while I respect your awareness of the stresses of my job, I’d appreciate if you’d refrain from the neck massages."

  8. "Have Petty Officer Jimenez dipped in green paint and send her to my quarters."

  9. "Your highly illogical approach to sex at sea does have its advantages on occasion, Captain."

  10. "Don’t tell, Mr. Sulu. That’s an order."

  11. "Are you locked on target? Good. This’ll teach Hooters not to overcharge me."

  12. "Captain, those aren’t Klingons on the starboard bow —- they’re barnacles."

  13. "Scotty, Jim Beam me up. A double this time, neat."

  14. "With all due respect, Captain, it’s not possible to set a torpedo to ‘stun.’"

  15. "Captain, I dinnae think she can take any more. We’ll have tae get a patch kit for your wee dolly when we get back into port."
And the Number 1 Thing Overheard on the Bridge of the U.S.S. Zumwalt…

  1. "They are VERY annoying, sir, but they’re not tribbles. I believe the natives call them Beliebers."
.
CREDITS
Selected from 78 submissions from 31 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:

  • Mark Zinck, Grand Rapids, MI — 1, 15 (4th #1)
  • John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN — 2, 4
  • Meg Silvern, Tucson, AZ — 3
  • Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA — 5
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY — 5
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX — 6
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 7, 11
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ — 8
  • Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY — 9
  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA — 10
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA — 12
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY — 13, 16
  • Bryan Wendeln, Raleigh, NC — 14
  • David Kass, Queens, NY — Topic
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
  • Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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