The list for March 18, 2020
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Testing… 1… 2… is this thing on?
Hello, Interwebz! How the hell are ya?
In this time of the upcoming zombie apocalypse, the old
gang and I decided that what the world needs more than
anything is a bunch of smartasses writing smartass-y things.
In the immortal words of Bob Plant:
"Does anyone remember laughter?"
Apparently, there’s a virus of some sort making the rounds.
It’s a shame the media doesn’t cover this shit, y’know?
Anyway, with so many people working from home these days,
we have a new set of co-workers to deal with.
Signs Your Pet Is Your New Co-Worker
- He perks up whenever you mention that bitch in Accounting.
- Despite the pandemic, he still insists on shaking every time he sits.
- "As you can see by this chart, our projected revenue is going to reach record hig—-SQUIRREL!!!"
- Peter’s definitely good at making copies, just not of your presentation.
- Leg twitch means she’s dreaming of a high-stakes proxy fight to take down Zuckerberg.
- You have to meet with HR because Mr. Goldfish claims you’ve been flushing the toilet in an intimidating way.
- Those raisins Flopsy left in the break room are NOT a snack.
- When this one knocks stuff off your desk then sticks her butt in your face, it’s not an invitation to get freaky.
- Spike won’t shut up about the "gender-inspecific" fire hydrant he has to use.
- "Yeah, if you could come in Saturday and scoop the chunks out of my litter box, that’d be great."
- Not a single page has made it out of the printer unscathed.
- His performance review is just "Good Boy" and a checkmark.
- He’s late to work, fails to put out the Quarterly P&L Statement, then shits in your shoe.
- 400 consecutive Slack messages from Polly saying nothing but "Hello!"
- The PowerPoint presentation on your new 70" TV took a costly turn the second you broke out the laser pointer.
- The "Hang in There" poster in her cubicle is signed by her cousin.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Pet Is Your New Co-Worker…
- Stares at your leg with an erection during HR’s #MeToo presentation.
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CREDITS
Selected from 120 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Ross Brown, Seattle, WA — 1 (2nd #1)
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY — 2, 14
- R.M. Weiner, Boston, MA — 3
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 4
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA — 5
- Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA — 6
- Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada — 6
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD — 7
- Peg Warner, Gonic, NH — 8
- Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA — 9
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA — 10
- Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL — 11
- Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN — 11, 16
- Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX — 12
- Bob Van Voris, New York, NY — 13
- Jim G. Phynn, Horsham, PA — 15
- Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA — 17
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA — 17
- Chris White, Olympia, WA — List moderator, Banner Tag
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