The list for October 9, 2013
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Long Island’s Weber Middle School has gone
absolutely nuts in the name of safety.
No longer allowed at recess: footballs,
baseballs, soccer balls, lacrosse balls,
any other balls that could injure a child,
and rough games of tag and cartwheels are
banned unless an adult supervisor is on hand.
absolutely nuts in the name of safety.
No longer allowed at recess: footballs,
baseballs, soccer balls, lacrosse balls,
any other balls that could injure a child,
and rough games of tag and cartwheels are
banned unless an adult supervisor is on hand.
The Top 16 Safety Measures for Middle Schools
- Out: spit wads. In: Purell wads.
- Potentially finger-smashing classroom doors replaced by hanging bead curtains.
- "Swirlie-proof" toilets in all restrooms.
- In order to prevent wedgies and strap snapping, all forms of underwear are banned.
- Arts and crafts projects limited to popping bubble-wrap.
- All urinals wrapped in cellophane to prevent swordplay.
- Indian rug burns will be called "indigenous massages" and will be prohibited unless given with aloe lotion.
- "Rock, Paper, Scissors" is now just "Paper."
- Hairnets worn by cafeteria workers must have an escape hatch for sea turtles.
- To prevent muscle seizures, all tongue-twister attempts must be preceded by 10 minutes of tongue-limbering exercises.
- Each turn during Red Rover must culminate in the human chain enveloping the charging opponent in a collapsing group hug!
- New verse of "The Wheels on the Bus" says "The seat belts on the bus go click, click, click…."
- Extensive background check and 3-day waiting period before someone is issued a hall pass.
- Any student using humor to cause the projection of milk from the nostrils of another student will be deemed as violating the campus’ "zero lactose-intolerance policy" and charged with "assault with a dairy weapon."
- Teachers may no longer offer to light students’ cigarettes.
And the Number 1 Safety Measure for Middle Schools…
- School lunches are now 100% organic, gluten-free and come with a participation trophy.
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CREDITS
Selected from 106 submissions from 37 contributors.
Today’s list authors were:
- Stephanie Landes, Findlay, OH — 1, 4, 9 (19th #1) (Hat trick!)
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA — 2, 14
- Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID — 3, 6
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA — 5, 8
- Neil Davidson, Mississauga, ON, Canada — 7
- Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC — 10
- Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR — 11
- David Kass, Queens, NY — 12
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong — 13
- Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA — 13
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA — 13
- Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH — 14
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA — 15
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA — 16
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT — Banner Tag
- Chris White, Olympia, WA — List owner/editor
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