Reasons Your Yard Sale Was Unsuccessful

The list for June 19, 2013

The Top 18 Reasons Your Yard Sale
Was Unsuccessful

You kept it secret ’cause you hate the idea of people pawing through your stuff.
The neighbors chose the same weekend for to host their 5th Annual Front-Yard Fetish Festival.
The sign stating that patrons could pay via "cash, check, jewelry or slow, *quality* handjobs."
There was no interest in the blood-stained couch, despite the sign identifying it as a "period piece."
The only ones who showed up for your "50%-Off Midnight Madness Yard Sale" were either drunk or hooking.
Your nearest neighbor is living in the Unabomber’s old cabin.
Maybe you shouldn’t have put the card table featuring the "gently used" sex toys right up front.
The people looking for old tools were not amused when you showed them your naked grandfather.
AOL CDs. Nothing but AOL CDs.
"Authentic Ceausescu Romanian Orphans" is an even tougher sell now that they’re in their 50s and still crying inconsolably.
Your collection of National Geographic has all the topless photos cut out already.
The guy down the block was having a Meter Sale, and who can blame shoppers for wanting to get 9.361% more for their money?
Apparently, people prefer to make their own urine.
Sure, it attracted swarms of people, but the sinkhole also swallowed your best items.
You haven’t washed that blue dress since the Clinton administration, just in case.
Just your luck: Your new-mom neighbor decided to piggyback on your event with her "Freshly Squeezed Breastmilk" stand.
No one made an offer on your mom, despite the taxidermist’s awesome work.

And the Number 1 Reason Your Yard Sale Was Unsuccessful…

By almost any measure, "success" is the polar opposite of spending Saturday with strangers sneering at the pathetic castoffs you’ve spread on the lawn.

CREDITS

Selected from 91 submissions from 33 contributors.

Today’s list authors were:

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